How I Feel
by NotSoNormal
Summary: A 2 part story about Olivia's and Alex's view on their friendship and how they feel. Friendship/unrequited love. Rated for language.
1. Chapter 1

Authors note – I wrote this 2 piece fic because I have the same issues with a friend of mine. She was the inspiration behind this. I'm still toying with the idea of sending it to her. I'm dedicating this to her...the unknown...

_Olivia's point of view_

I don't want to think about you.

I'm not thinking about you.

I'm not.

Fuck. I am. I beg myself to think of anything else. Work has always been a good distraction for me in the past. If I found myself getting into an emotional mess I'd always think about work. But if I think about work I will think about you. The way you make me laugh when we work together always confuses me. If I'm down it's normally because I'm thinking of you and then you are there in front of me making some kind of stupid remark about a perp and it just makes me laugh. Do you know how unbelievably cute you are?

Damn I'm thinking about you again. I glance at my phone, no new messages are waiting. You're like a drug; I want you all the time, to be around you, to be in your presence. At work when there is a desk in between us I find myself unconsciously moving myself forward in your presence, just to get a little closer to you as you sit on the end of my desk. I work on my case files to help distract me but my work is often interrupted by you, not that I'm complaining. We toy between conversation and silence, but even the silence is nice. Sometimes I think I can feel your eyes on me watching me work, I never know if I'm imagining it or not. We play eye tennis with each other, seeing how long I can last before I look at you, I look everywhere else then my eyes betray me and I look at you, sometimes you are watching one of the guys and other times our eyes meet. When our eyes meet I look straight into your eyes and smile before looking away or other times I look down really quickly, why do we have this eye dance? I never do this with anyone else. Why? When you walk away whether it's to speak to the captain or one of the others I instantly feel colder, your presence is instantly missed. There are so many different levels to our friendship and I do not understand them one bit.

Okay the first piece of evidence into our friendship is our closeness, I don't have many friends, I know a lot of people, mainly cops but they aren't my friends. You however have managed to penetrate that layer in me and get under my skin. I don't like letting people in. I let you in, told you some of my secrets, can call on you anytime. But there is a horrible thought in my head. You could leave me. You could at any second decide that you don't want to be my friend and walk away. I'm so insecure about it; it makes me physically hurt in pain. What would I do without you? We text each other constantly, we eat together at work, we are there for each other. No one has been there for me before like you, no one has stayed. Of course there is Elliot but what we have is different. It's intimate. You know I am deeply loyal to you, that I would do anything for you. I'm scared right now, so scared because I know you are going through a tough time and all I want is to be there for you but somehow that is not what you need right now is it? I know you too well. I know when you are not okay. I can see through your fake ice princess demeanour, you are so good at hiding things you should be an actress. Yesterday at work you were doing ok but then something changed in you, you barely talked to me, you didn't make eye contact, and it looked like you were lost in your own head. You didn't even say goodbye to me when you left. Do you know how worried I was about you? I even had to talk to Elliot about you to calm me down. I text you telling you to get home safely; over 20 minutes it took for you to text back. I'm glad you did text back though because if you hadn't I would of been sure you were pissed at me. But you're not right? You said you just needed to be on your own I respect that but you also told me you'd text me tomorrow so here I am waiting for your text.

Okay so we have established we are definitely close. Which leads us to the next layer in our complicated friendship; our lack of physical touching, more evidence; I'm not quite sure how or where to start with this one. We all know that I hug everyone; well what I mean is if we go for a drink down the cop bar I will hug people that I know, even sometimes a kiss on the cheek, male or female it doesn't matter to me. Why don't we hug Alex? We hug occasionally on very rare occasions, mostly if it's a special occasion like a birthday. We never just have a hug. Maybe it's me? I do my best to not touch you at all lengths, when we sit on your sofa together I try my hardest to stay as far away as possible. I think in my conscious it's because I'm scared I make you uncomfortable. Do I? I have no answer to this question. I've seen you hug your friends, why don't I get that welcome when I see you? I dare to ask myself the question, is it because I'm gay?

The million dollar question! Since we started to be friends I've been pretty open to you with that fact. I don't think it bothers you but I know it bothers me. It bothers me because people can't seem to get there tiny little brains around the fact that a gay and straight woman can just be friends. I hate that you have to listen to stupid comments, especially from Liz and Petrovsky. I'm sorry that people gossip about us and then I end up trying to defend you and it always bloody back fires in my fucking face. I'm getting angry now. You always tell me that you're used to people saying stuff but I'm just scared one day you will have had enough and walk away. Yup back to my stupid insecurities about our friendship. I'm sorry I'm insecure; I wish I could just know that you will be there forever but you can't promise me that. I think part of me is insecure because sometimes I think is our friendship worth the pain, the pain of seeing you upset but there again I don't see the comments affect you, I can read you well but somehow I can never put my finger on whether you get upset or not. Don't worry Alex you are the straightest person I know. Aren't you?

I remember telling you about that dream I had, where you didn't want to be mates anymore and you completely ignored me, it broke my heart Alex. I know it was just a dream but it felt so real when I woke suddenly in the middle of the night. I instantly reached for my phone, trying to remember if the dream was real and then I remember that it was just a dream and I could still text you anytime I wanted to. You told me that my dream meant I wasn't being true to myself. Well now I'm over thinking things maybe your right. I do hold back in our friendship, I'm scared of making you scared. If I was more me with you then maybe I wouldn't be so insecure. I am open with you, more open with you than I am with anyone but I do feel like there is something blocking something; can it be moved? I don't know what it is. Maybe I should initiate some hugs between us but I get the feeling that's not what you want. I've seen you flirt with men, you like it when they are forward, telling you how much they want you, not that you want them but I know it makes you feel good about yourself. Something has to change Alex because I cannot go on feeling so trapped, like I'm walking on egg shells!


	2. Chapter 2

_Alex's Point of view_

I stare at my phone, I don't know whether to text you or not. Why is it always me that texts first? Occasionally you will text me first but it's not very often. Do you know how that makes me feel Liv? I don't know if you want me to text you or not. But I always give in to myself because I want to text you. We text all the time but I always initiate it. It makes me wonder if our friendship means as much to me as it does to you.

I remember that time early on in our friendship when you tried to push me away, you did for a while but then when I realised you were pushing me away because I got to close to you, I came back to you. I came back to you. I hope you remember that. I doubt sometimes that you really understand that I am there for you. I know you have had no one else for you there for you. But I am here to stay. Surely by now you should know that? We work together, we eat together, and we laugh together. Our friendship is really strong; you've been round my parents for lunch, even stayed the night there. Do you really think I'd let you in so much if I didn't think of you as a best friend? I understand how this must be for you, scary but if you just let that go you'd see. It frustrates me Liv, you frustrate me!

I see how you clam up when someone says the wrong thing to me. It's just gossip. Do you think I'm a fool and would get mad? They don't know me, they don't know us. Why do you let it bother you? I've told you a million times before I don't care what people say. I'm used to people gossiping. I don't care whether you're gay, straight or a bloody alien, you are you and I am friends with you because of who you are, not what you are. It makes me heart ache that you are so used to people judging you that you expect it from me. I know you know it; I just wish you'd believe it.

I find myself being so wary around you. You don't seem to like physical affection from me. You hug and kiss people you barely know but when have you ever come up to me and given me a hug? Even when we are together in my flat you put up your barriers and stay far as you can from me. I'm waiting for those barriers to come down, I don't want to overstep and make you feel uncomfortable. You even apologise all the time when you touch me accidently. I see you tense up like you've done something wrong. I'm scared that if I initiate contact that you'll back off and try and push me away again. I can't lose you. I won't.

It hurts me how open you are with others. I know you're open with me in a different way but why can't I have it both ways? I love watching you interact with others as much as it hurts me, do you know that? You're so carefree even though I know you feel a lot of pain deep down. I'm glad that you can come to me and that you do when you are bothered by something as little as not being able to find the right trousers to dark times in your past. I feel special that you've allowed yourself to trust yourself and open up to me. Why won't you trust me when I tell you that I'm not going anywhere?

I remember when you've seen me with my friends; you stay away and act like you hardly know me. Why do you do that? Are you ashamed to have me as a friend? I just want to pull you to me and introduce you to my mates but I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Urgh, that word again. You've got too many barriers up still. Why did you let some come down but not all of them? I'm waiting Liv and I will wait forever. I just wish that I knew that they would eventually.

I love my job and do you know what makes it even more special? It's meeting you. I've found such a lovely, loyal, caring friend. I know you think you're fucked up but Liv, you are better than most people I know. The way you hate pain, you hate to see anyone in pain and you will help anyone else. You are one in a million and if only you realised it.

I love making you smile. I love making you laugh. Your eyes get brighter and there's this spark inside you that brightens up the room. You have an awesome sense of humour too; you can make me laugh with your silly antics, like hiding my stuff. See you're carefree when you do that, you don't think you just do it cause you know I will laugh. I also like it when you're protective of me like when you won't let me walk home on my own, it's sweet and endearing. See you have so many great qualities Liv.

So that's our complicated friendship. But you know what? I'd rather have a complicated friendship with you than none at all. So over all I'm happy. Nothing is perfect after all is it?


End file.
